Thursday, March 22, 2007

Southerness...

I didn't write this, but that doesn't make it any less true. And Momma, thank you for raising me South of the Mason Dixon, the best piece of real estate in the world.

Southernness

____

SOUTHERN WOMEN
Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.

Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Why, no, Billy!"

Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions :
"Y'all come back!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your Momma?"


Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Iced sweet tea with mint

Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye gravy
Grits
Eggs
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

More Suthen-ism's:
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a
conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,
peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of
"yonder."
_____

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, . as in: "Going
to town, be back directly."
_____

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for
the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl
in the middle of the table.
_____

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use
the term, but they know the concept well.
_____

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace
for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a
big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real
crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!(or chocolate cake*)
_____

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near"
and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be
1 mile or 20.
_____

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a
redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing
turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an
adverb.
_____

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when
we're "in line," . we talk to everybody!
_____

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're
related, even if only by marriage.
_____

In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
_____

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are
perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and
that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know
you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea
unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old
ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart"
... and go your own way.
_____

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness:
Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the
morning. Bless your heart!
_____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all
this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to
have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a
long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads
"I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !

Now...... Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or
wish they had been!

If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your little heart, fake it.
We know you got here as fast as you could

*Added by blog poster

2 Comments:

Anonymous BobbieMonster said...

I too, am grateful to have been raised in the south; Thank your Grandma. My boss has another southerness to add: Southern women know that CoCola is an approptiate morning beverage. They all seem to drink the stuff with breakfast, those that don't drink coffee!

3/23/2007 10:48:00 AM  
Blogger Kappa no He said...

Despite what I wrote on Matt's blog, I miss that accent. I still use 'fixin' though.

Last week I was trying to describe the south to a Japanese friend. I was like you're there and you never want to leave. Everyone is so warm-hearted and personable. And also, you can go barefoot anywhere you want!

3/23/2007 06:39:00 PM  

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